Do you ever get a sick feeling when you realise something bad about yourself?
It happened to me in the shower the other night. I was thinking about a boy (calm down, nothing dirty). A boy I had recently told to leave me alone.
Somehow I tend to do some of my best thinking in the shower. I don’t know if it’s because it’s quiet or if it’s the soothing sensation of the water. I think maybe it’s the water. When I was younger I would lie in my parents pool for hours just floating around and thinking of whimsical things. Then I would bust out a few dirty limericks and wait for my Mom to come and yell that she could hear me!
Anyway I’m getting off track.
So, I was thinking about this boy and about me and then my mind drifted back to in my 20s when I had my first relationship.
I’ll call him John. He was lovely. Funny, kind of dorky but really cool, and smart and a fun person. We worked together and somehow everyone knew he liked me except for me. I just thought we were buddies. It wasn’t until one night that we all went out, I got really drunk, realised he liked me and then I snogged him or he snogged me … anyway, there was snogging and I was drunk.
I thought that he was the man I was going to marry. And even as I write this I’m so embarrassed that I’m cringing and making embarrassing whimpering noises. I thought that God had sent me this amazing man and I was so excited.
We talked about living together and engagement rings and adopting babies. We would talk for hours and hours and hours. And then it was all over.
But the kick in the pants, the real stinger was when he told our mutual friends that we weren’t actually in a relationship we were just friends!
I saw RED! Within a matter of days I was on a plane to New Zealand, because when I’m scared and hurt I run away (it’s my MO).
Flash forward 6 years to me standing in the shower. I felt like I had been punched in the throat. Was I now purposefully sabotaging potential relationships because I was scared they might end in the same way as Johns? Ummm yes!
Somehow it seems easier to push someone away and protect myself but I guess you miss out on the good stuff sometimes. It kind of sucks but what do you do?
On a side note. No, not a side note, it’s a very important note. Today is ANZAC day (it was yesterday in Oz), an Australian national day of remembrance for all our Diggers who served and died. I found this poem and think it’s lovely.
ANZAC Day
by D. Hunter. (A Veteran of Shaggy Ridge with the 2/12 Battalion in WW2)
I saw a kid marchin’ with medals on his chest.
He marched alongside Diggers marching six abreast.
He knew that it was ANZAC Day - he walked along with pride.
He did his best to keep in step with the Diggers by his side.
And when the march was over the kid was rather tired.
A Digger said “Whose medals, son?” to which the kid replied:
“They belong to daddy, but he did not come back.
He died up in New Guinea on a lonely jungle track”.
The kid looked rather sad then and a tear came to his eye.
The Digger said “Don’t cry my son and I will tell you why.
Your daddy marched with us today - all the blooming way.
We Diggers know that he was there - it’s like that on ANZAC Day”.
The kid looked rather puzzled and didn’t understand,
But the Digger went on talking and started to wave his hand.
“For this great land we live in, there’s a price we have to pay
For we all love fun and merriment in this country where we live.
The price was that some soldier his precious life must give.
For you to go to school my lad and worship God at will,
Someone had to pay the price so the Diggers paid the bill.
Your daddy died for us my son - for all things good and true.
I wonder if you understand the things I’ve said to you”.
The kid looked up at the Digger - just for a little while
And with a changed expression, said, with a lovely smile:
“I know my dad marched here today - this is ANZAC Day.
I know he did. I know he did, all the bloomin’ way”.
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