A lesson on passive aggressiveness, subtleties and how my mouth almost ruined Christmas

Two Christmas’s ago I went to New York with 2 very close friends of mine.  One of my friends, Guy, I had known for 10 years and we had developed a really special friendship where we both adored each other equally.

On our second day in the big apple I made a flippant smart ass comment to him.  Seriously, it wasn’t much at all.  But somehow it struck a chord with Guy.

I don’t know exactly how much later it was, I’m sure it was about 3 hours and I noticed him acting funny.

He was walking ahead of me quite a way and at times on the other side of the road.  He was having whispered conversations with our other friend and at one point I caught up to them and said “shall we stop for a coffee, we’re in the village?”.  And his response was a very harsh “No I don’t want coffee”.

Because I don’t really understand subtle hints this behavior went on longer until I stopped him and said “is everything alright?”

For a moment he didn’t want to tell me and then reluctantly he said “what you said to me earlier ...”

And I knew straight away, I knew exactly what it was that I’d said that would have upset him without him even having to tell me.

“Oh that, I was just being silly, you know I didn’t really mean it, I was just being bitchy”.

But he wouldn’t have it.  His feelings had been hurt.  I had struck a nerve and my comments had stung him.

In times like these I’m generally really good at using my words to bring things around again, to calm people down, to help move things along, to diffuse a situation.

But he wouldn’t have it.  He wouldn’t talk about what I’d said and he certainly wouldn’t talk about how it made him feel.

But the passive aggressiveness continued.  The anger, the walking away, the ignoring.

I couldn’t take it any longer.  I left my friends, telling them I’d meet up with them later.  I thought some time apart would do him good.

Unfortunately while I was wandering the streets alone, I. GOT. ANGRY.

How DARE someone treat me like that.

How DARE he be so over the top about that small comment.

How DARE he ignore me.

I was just a big bundle of anger stomping my way around the city cursing him under my breath.

I decided that I had been wronged, that he had treated me badly and that I would finish my holiday on my own, that I would find somewhere else to stay and that they could do their thing and I would do mine.

When we met up later he didn’t talk to me.  We sat in the theatre watching a musical, with our friend in between us and he didn’t speak to me.  In the interval, nothing.  As we were watching the show a tear trickled down my cheek (I know, I know, I’m pathetic).  

How had something that was meant to be so good somehow turned out so bad and all because of my stupid mouth.

Sometime later in the night in our tiny hotel room around the corner from Times Square, while our friend was in the shower, Guy and I finally had a conversation.  I apologised for my cutting remark but I also shared how upset I had been that he had treated me that way.

And even though we ‘made up’, my feelings were hurt and they continued to hurt for the remainder of our NYC holiday.

This past week I tried my hand at passive aggressiveness.  I tried ignoring someone - giving them the cold shoulder.  I think I lasted 3 days.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.  And I felt that I was right in ignoring this person.

Although ignoring someone on facebook is much easier than ignoring them in real life.  And the person I was ignoring probably had no idea so my passive aggressiveness was wasted!

But the reality is that I’m a talker not an ignorer.  I’d much rather talk things through, discuss both sides and move on.

I want to know why people feel a certain way, why do they think that their opinion is the right one.  Why are they angry about a certain subject.  And why did they make that comment that hurt my feelings.

And I want them to understand how I feel, where I’m coming from, why I’m hurting.  They may not care but shouldn’t they respect it?

And I know some people think I could be more subtle.

That I could be less direct or tone down my honesty.

That maybe I could watch what comes out of my mouth.

And this is true.

Perhaps paying out on my new Big boss for being a yank isn’t the wisest idea.

Or calling my japanese friend Pam, ‘Generic Asian Lady’, or making fun of my swedish manager by making her do the ‘swiss chef from the muppets’ impression.

Perhaps yelling at my boss and shaking my finger at him and calling him out on his management skills wasn’t the smartest move.

But I have to think that somehow, by the people that matter, my honesty is appreciated.  That my big mouth that only speaks the truth (lol) will be embraced by those that really matter.

And for those that don’t appreciate it or embrace it or love me regardless of ALL the faux pas I make (and I make a lot)  You can get back on the white horse you rode in on and ....... Go away.

P.s. Passive aggressiveness sucks.  Don’t do it.  It’s horrible and mean and nasty.  I’m going to get some t-shirts made up that say ‘screw you passive aggressiveness’.  Email if you want one.