Fat Shannan

I used to be fat.

Honestly, really really fat.

And I say that not with a grin on my face but with sadness because for me, being fat was sad.

Being fat was never an option for me.  I came from the womb that way.  It just kind of happened.  It didn’t help that my brother was obscenely skinny and I always looked bigger because he looked like an anorexic child.

My parents tried everything.  They denied me food which just caused me to steal food from my Mom’s kitchen and hide it in my bedroom.  There was a time when my Dad was convinced that water was making me fat so I went thirsty for a little while.

From a young age my Mother would drag me to Weight Watchers or EasySlim.  And by young I mean in Primary School.

They really did try hard to fix me.

I was an active kid - dancing, swimming, tennis, netball.  But it didn’t seem to make a difference to my body, and when puberty came along everything just got worse.

Unfortunately I wasn’t one of those fat girls who was also phat.  I was just fat and unhappy and self conscious and scared.  I coped by being an amazingly good friend, I threw myself into friendships but ended up being used, the fat happy girl was always the one that  got called when they needed a lift home.

I pursued theatre with a passion because on stage I could be someone else.  But it’s hard to be someone else when you’re always getting cast as the fat funny girl.  Or the old funny lady.  Or not cast at all but instead being asked to be in the backstage crew.

I got really good at being funny.  I hoped that my amazing sense of humour would mean that people didn’t notice the size of my belly.

When I was diagnosed with a medical condition at 19 my Mother was so happy she almost  kissed the Doctors.  It was weird because she had felt such guilt for me being fat.  She felt like it had been her fault and that she was being a bad mother by not being able to make me skinny.  Finally there was a reason for my weight problem and it wasn’t for her lack of trying.

Knowing the problem and being able to fix it are two different things.

I vividly remember a specialist looking at me and telling me I was going to be obese for my whole life and that I should just accept it.

I remember thinking that I didn’t think I could live if it mean weighing 123 kilos.

So in my 20s I tried every high protein, low carb, no dairy, soup only diet under the sun.

I starved myself.  I drank only liquid protein shakes morning noon and night for months at a time.  And I joined gyms, did dance classes and even learnt tae bo.

And some of these things worked, but the weight came back on.

Thankfully I don’t weigh 123 kgs anymore.  Today, I weigh 81 kilos.  And I feel like a different person than the girl I was 10 years ago.

But sometimes, unfortunately I still have those moments where Fat Shannan’s fears still come through.  

Wanting to be slimmer wasn’t JUST about looking better.  Of course that’s part of it, and anybody who says it’s not is lying.

But for me it was such an emotional, spiritual, psychological thing.  I used my weight as a reason why I didn’t do things.  When I was 16 I went on a camp and I had the opportunity to go surfing, but when I got there I was too scared to put on a wetsuit (convinced there wouldn’t be one to fit me) so I pretended I was sick.

And that’s just one example, there would be a hundred more just like that.

There are so many things that I haven’t done because I was scared, because I was fat.  And even though now I’m not FAT I still use this excuse, it still becomes a reason why I don’t do certain things.

And, well, I’ve made a bit of a decision.

I’m going to stop doing that.

First on the list is white water rafting ....