22 Boys

I counted and I have 22 boys phone numbers in my cell phone.  You might think that sounds cool but I just kind of think it’s a bit pathetic.

There’s a reason why I don’t delete the guys from my phone, a girl at work recently had an old date start messaging her and she had the awkward moment trying to figure out who he was.  She also has a crazy stalker but that’s another story, a story best told with a glass of wine.

Some of the guys I have renamed, like “Herpes Mike” and “Crazy Trevor” or “Tattoo Matty”. I don’t know if Mike actually has herpes but renaming him that in my phone made me feel better. And Trevor is actually crazy so I feel ok about calling him that and Matty, well he has A LOT of tattoos (like the all over body up the neck kind of tattoos).

There’s a few guys that I honestly can’t remember the details about, apart from their name.  I’d like to say I don’t know how I collected them all but that would be a lie.  I went through a period of chronic insomnia earlier this year and I’m pretty sure I gave out my number to any guy who asked.

“Insomnia: helping Shannan meet boys”.

You have to remember that these are only the guys whose phone numbers I have.  This list doesn’t include all the weirdos who emailed me.  Like the guy who wanted to go on a date with me and then if he felt like we clicked wanted to have sex and that would be the start of our relationship.  That’s actually how he phrased it to me.  How could I say no to that?  Actually, quite easily.

I thought I’d go through the list purely for your entertainment (and mine of course) and try and remember anything I could about the boys.  Some of the stories you may have heard on other posts but I’ll try and keep it short and sweet.

Some of them I’ve changed their names because it makes me feel less like a nasty cow for talking about them.

Mr. A.  He wants to marry a brown girl and he’s moving to Alberta.  He was also really young, I won’t cough to actually how old because you’ll laugh.  Sometimes I laugh just thinking about it.  He’s a nice guy though.

Crazy Trevor.  He was so enamored by my Australian accent he kept talking about it, which actually really annoyed me.  Yes, I have an accent but there’s so much more to me than just that!  I think he may have had some form of tourette’s as we’d be in the middle of a normal conversation and he would insert an inappropriate weird comment.  He insisted that I didn’t experience the real Vancouver because I lived in a nice neighbourhood, but as I pointed out where he lived wasn’t exactly living in the Ghetto.  He seemed quite keen to talk about his ex-girlfriend and frankly I was happier talking about her as she seemed much more interesting than him.  The conversation came to an end when he asked why it had been so long between boyfriends for me and asked why I couldn’t get turned on.  *shudder* 

Pete.  Mr Blinky the magician.  That’s enough really to sum it up.  He’s messaged me a couple of times and once I even saw him on the street and swiftly turned the other way.

Andrew.  *sigh*  I’ll give you the abridged version (which makes me sound like a 13 year old).  He liked me & I liked him, he moved away, he stopped liking me, I went to Australia, he liked me & I liked him, I came back to Vancouver, I stopped liking him.  Then I think he may have liked me and I liked him but I’m not sure, it got very confusing.  Here’s the reality: he climbs rocks & scales mountains and I can’t even climb a ladder!  He moved to Alberta.

Rob.  This guy was as keen as mustard last year to meet and then lost his job and decided that I was too much work.  And then a few hours later decided he wanted me to cheer him up.  What do you think my response was?

Anyway he got back in touch with me earlier this year and we were due to meet up again and then I pulled the plug as he was moving to Seattle.

Herpes Mike.  Just a giant douchebag who talked about pooh on our first date.

Ian.  Super super sweet and really shy.  I just want to hug him.

James The South American.  He paid for our meal on his work credit card and expensed it.  He told me I should do my MBA because “it’s easy” … I didn’t have the heart to tell him I never even graduated from high school.

Jason.  Thinks his life is similar to that of Jesus. Need I say more?  I knew that I would never see him again so I insisted on paying for our date.  He thought it was fantastic, I just knew it was the right thing to do.

Jay.  He was really into me & particularly fond of my Australian-ness (which of course makes me uncomfortable).  Until he found out that I’m not “one of those” Australian girls.

Justin.  No idea.

Ladner Matt.  I got lost in Ladner (which is in the middle of nowhere) not helped by the fact that he doesn’t actually know his own address which was probably due to the amount of marijuana he smokes.  He also talked about pooh on the first date and told me a very embarrassing sex story which also involved pooh.  Another story best told over a glass of wine or 6.

Lee.  He has heated floors & a long couch and he’s a jerk.

Matt.  There are way too many Matt’s and I can’t keep up.  He was probably an ass.

Patrick.  He sent me a photo of his junk!  I, of course, showed my girlfriends, laughed a lot, and never communicated with him again.

Mark.  He told me about growing up in Brooklyn NY and how he used to carry a gun and some of his friends got stabbed, and then in the same sentence asked what was in my fridge. “Nutella and strawberry milk” was my response, which apparently tells him a lot about the kind of person I am.  

Yeah, um, I’m the kind of person that DOESN’T carry a gun.  

Nice guy but a bit intense for me.

Mike.  He was super duper keen, called me, said all the right things and then *poof* he disappeared.

James.  A fireman *sigh*

Shane.  He seemed nice enough but he spelt my name wrong so I lost interest.

Luke.   EEEEK! I can’t remember.

TattooMatty.  Really nice but also really shy, he got in touch with me on a few different occasions and we somehow had an argument before we had even met.  I have to say I think he’s a bit weird.   He also sent me a photo of his junk so that was pretty much the end of it.

John.  The bad Monday night date who shoveled nachos into his gullet while I tried not to look shocked.

The reality is that the guys above aren’t horrible and they’re not bad people and I guess they’re not all jerks, they’re just not right for me and / or I’m not right for them.

Except for Crazy Trevor - that guy is straight up, legitimately insane!